Society… Its a constant, often confusing, companion. A background noise that often fails to actually fade into the background.
The messages we get, the subtle nudges and the outright demands, the feeds full of curated snapshots, the targeted advertising, the subtle undertones… It can all be exhausting. The expectations placed on us as women are complex and often contradictory. And I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that I've felt the weight of them all.
Appearance
It's so often about our looks, isn't it? Our value, too frequently, is based entirely on how we look. The pressure to be 'thin', that thinness equals health, to look perpetually 'youthful', to fit into some pre-defined box of 'attractiveness'.
I remember poring over magazines as a teen, absorbing those impossibly perfect images, feeling a constant hum of inadequacy. I still struggle with it, that feeling that I need to "cover" something about myself, whether it's a perceived flaw, the stretch marks left on my body from motherhood, or the natural aging process.
That struggle with acne, rosacea, the quest for "clear, smooth skin"... I've been there, done that, and still, some days, I feel the pull of that old insecurity. The emphasis on makeup and grooming, on spending time and money to "enhance" myself is tied to a deep sense of self-worth. It’s a cycle I'm still trying to break. For a generation who were fed airbrushed cosmetics adverts, fad diets and the introduction of plastic and cosmetic surgery, it’s hard to undo all of the damage done from growing up surrounded by those things that guide us to this idea of the perfect face and body.
Emotion
That emphasis on empathy and nurturing! To be feminine is to ignore your own needs, is it? It's been a double-edged sword, hasn't it? Society encourages women to feel everything, to connect deeply, to put others first. We were told to seek perfect relationships portrayed only in tv film and media.
It's wonderful to be empathetic, but it's also a pitfall. I've spent so much of my life trying to please, to make everyone happy, at the expense of my own needs and boundaries. You simply cannot pour from an empty cup, but society would lead us to believe that women’s cups fill only by fulfilling the needs of others.
Submissiveness and Passivity
"Be polite, agreeable, don't be overly assertive.”
“Women & girls should be seen and not heard.”
The subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages that told us to shrink ourselves, to avoid rocking the boat, to not set boundaries, to soften our tone, to always be agreeable, to never question others.
The fear of conflict, the need to accommodate everyone else's needs, which shaped so much of how I've lived over the years. There was a tendency to portray women as more vulnerable and in need of protection, both physically and emotionally. The irony of which is that those who seek to protect, are usually the cause of the need for protection in the first place.
I definitely absorbed this. It took me a long time to realise that it was okay to say "no," to stand my ground, to have my own opinions, to not soften an email with “just”, to know my own knowledge and worth.
Roles and Expectations
That pressure to find the perfect romantic relationship, get married and have 2.4 children. And then, to maintain that relationship, to be the caretaker, the emotional support system, the one who keeps everything running smoothly. The expectations are exhausting.
Career and Work
Balancing work and family…it's been a constant negotiation, a constant struggle to find balance.
We’re expected to work like we don’t have children, but parent like we don’t work. All the while, we face never-ending pay disparities, barriers to advancement, the lack of flexible working arrangements, ongoing increases in childcare fees, societal guilt around using childcare altogether, a lack of the “village” that once existed. All of that makes it so hard to feel like we can have it all.
I knew that continuing my events career in the business world after starting a family would be virtually impossible, so I moved to being self- employed. While self-employment has been a blessing, it’s a decision that society and the brutal reality of traditional employment for mothers forced me into.
Lots of organisations won’t offer flexible working and they don’t understand the constraints of parenthood. Now, I struggle to balance a full- time job, a part-time self-employed job and parenthood – it’s certainly a juggle.
Domesticity
The domestic sphere! The housework, the cooking, the childcare, holiday planning, school clubs, uniforms, remembering birthdays, anniversaries, chores, shopping, bills and more besides. It's still a huge part of my life, even with my husband and a cleaner lending a hand. The mental load of keeping it all together, remembering who needs to be where when, remembering deadlines & schedules. It's emotionally heavy and easily overwhelming, trying to keep so many plates spinning, especially when all it takes is one of the relentless bugs or viruses to throw every inch of planning out of the window.
Family and Motherhood
This one hit home a little too hard.
We're taught from a too-young age to prioritise family and to put motherhood on a pedestal. But nobody told us about the grief, the loss, the challenges that so many of us will face whilst trying to have a family. The difficulties of IVF, the roller coaster of emotions and physical impact to our bodies, and the difficulties that come when our bodies don't cooperate. We don't get to learn about the fact that our bodies might have other ideas, and how are we supposed to come to terms with it when our bodies don’t function the way we’ve always been told that they should? The heartache of loss, both the physical and the potential "what-ifs." My journey through IVF was so incredibly hard as I know of so many other women who have faced long and gruelling fertility journeys. I also recognise the women who cannot mother for so many other reasons, but also that constant pressure for women to become mothers recognising that not all women aspire to be and some want to focus on their own life and careers. Which for me, and I guess so many, is a reality. We spend so many years focussing on our careers proving ourselves and end up settling down a lot later in life which often results in those fertility struggles as we navigate this journey in our late 30’s and 40’s.
The Constant Comparison
Women face numerous challenges in parenting, largely due to societal expectations and constant comparisons. The pressure to present a 'perfect' family often stems from social media portrayals, where curated photos showcase idealised moments, leading to feelings of inadequacy among mothers. These comparisons can fuel anxiety and self-doubt, as women grapple with meeting unrealistic standards of behavior and lifestyle.
Society often imposes expectations regarding parenting styles, child-rearing practices, and even emotional responses, adding to the stress. These expectations can be even harder to navigate when traditional parenting techniques don’t work when supporting children with SEN.
Additionally, balancing personal well-being and self-care amidst these pressures can be overwhelming. The challenge intensifies when women feel they must fulfill traditional roles whilst also pursuing careers or personal goals, leading to a conflict between societal norms and individual aspirations.
Ultimately, the interplay of these factors can create a cycle of pressure that affects women’s well-being and confidence in their parenting abilities, highlighting the need for greater support and a shift towards more authentic representations of family life.
So here I am, at 45, still trying to sort through my thoughts, belief systems, ingrained stereotypes, to figure out who I truly am, beyond all the expectations find peace and self acceptance. The late-in-life diagnoses have been a revelation, a way of understanding myself and making peace with the person I thought I should be. But this also comes with a whole new set of challenges, as I try to navigate this world and all of its societal pressures. The peri-menopause symptoms are only making that journey so much harder, and it's sometimes difficult to have a conversation where someone truly understands.
It's essential, isn't it, to build our tribe – a community of people who truly get us. Those who don't need explanations, who accept us completely, flaws and all, without judgment. They are there to pick us up when we stumble and celebrate us when we shine. It's what we all need.
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So, to every mum, in all her beautiful forms: To the mums navigating grief, and those we hold in our hearts, no longer with us. To the mums who couldn't be, the ones who carry babies to give others the gift of parenthood, and the adopted and foster mums who open their hearts and homes. To the single mums who do it all, and to the fur-baby mums who shower their pets with love and care. To the mums who choose not to be, and those who can't be, due to illness or circumstance. And to the SEN mums, the warriors who tirelessly advocate for their children's needs, fighting for the very best. To the mums who strive, every day, to be the best they can be for their kids, in all their beautiful, messy, and wonderful ways.
You are cherished. You are admired. You are celebrated.
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