When people picture someone with ADHD or Autism, there are many stereotypes typically drawn from… The most common being a young boy fidgeting or misbehaving in the classroom. Thankfully as society understands more about neurodivergence, our perceptions change, but it takes time, work, and a willingness to learn. So, to do my part, I want to share what ADHD & Autism look like for me, a late diagnosis 46 year old mum of two.
In many ways, ADHD is both my spark and my challenge. My mind is constantly buzzing with ideas, and I dive deep into new interests with passion and energy but this spark can be short lived when the dopamine high runs low. But this also means I often feel like I'm juggling a hundred thoughts at once and am completely unable to organise them in my mind. The simple life-admin things like remembering school forms, family birthdays, appointments, or following through on plans and day to day tasks can easily slip through the cracks. If I don’t do things in the moment they are often lost forever.
While my ADHD loves variety and spontaneity, my Autism thrives on routine and when life throws in any kind of change of routine, during holidays for example those transitions can cause no end of tricky emotions for me and my family. Throw into that the never-ending demands of modern motherhood juggling two jobs, spicy kids, and a perimenopausal mind and body, and it’s often a recipe for chaos.
I am forever implementing new systems, tools and strategies into my life to try and tame the chaos, yet it can often feel like I’m swimming upstream (without a paddle). I have to remember that no system will often lead to a life long habit as even after months or years a habit can fall off my radar and not reappear for months or years and that’s ok. I find things that help me cope in the moment and know that they may well change as my brain and body needs change and dopamine to keep life interesting. It can easily feel frustrating though when a habit disappears through a sudden change of routine and then it’s so incredibly difficult to pick it back up again. I jist remember to treat mysepf with a bit more care and compassion and less shame and judgement.
Sensory overload can be a huge challenge for my Autistic brain, and even small things such as a loud restaurant, too many people , particular smells and textures to annoying clothing or an unexpected change of plans can throw my day off balance. To the outside world, it might seem like I’m being overly particular or overreacting, but being aware of my sensory needs and making necessary adjustments can help me to be grounded and calm for myself and my family, so to me, forward planning can be the difference between a great day, and utter dysregulation.
My ADHD craves new experiences, and wants the idea of trying new things, meet new people places and do things impulsively, yet my autism wants to plan everything to the last detail and my brain becomes very anxious and easily dysregulsted. It can be so conflicting and frustrating for my and my hubby particularly at times.
It is all too common for me to reply impulsively to messages, so saying yes to requests without thinking is where my ADHD brain thrives, and then my Autism kicks in and start processing the request in more detail, scans for dangers, and difficulties and then anxiety and overwhelm kick in and your ability to communicate clearly can be a struggle. So knowing your boundaries and having confidence in being able to communicate and advocate you and your families needs are super important.
As a mum, I see my neurodivergence reflected in my parenting style, too. I approach motherhood with empathy, understanding how overwhelming the world can often feel. Having my diagnosis of ADHD & Autism allows me to be gentler with myself when I’m struggling, and when motherhood can feel overwhelming, because I know that it can be more difficult to be the kind of parent I want to be, when my brain is working against me or my perimenopausal rage comes into play. I’ve learnt to apologise and recognise that I don't always get it right and tomorrow is a new day.
It is especially difficult when I am also trying to understand the differences in how my children’s minds react differently to me and how we navigate that together with compassion and acceptance and less frustration and anger when our needs in the moment will often clash.
But learning everything I’ve learned on this journey, about ADHD & Autism, it’s enabled me to help make our home a place where emotions are accepted, quirks are celebrated, and everyone has the space to be their truest selves. I remember that my unique perspective is a gift I can share with them, showing them that it’s okay to approach life differently, to need a bit more structure or space, and to listen to their own needs.
ADHD and Autism look different to everyone, and for me, it’s about embracing both the challenges and the beauty they bring into my life. Yes, it’s a balancing act, and there are plenty of days where I feel like I’m learning as I go or I’m having an uphill battle. But learning to honour my own needs has given me a deeper sense of peace and resilience. My journey with neurodivergence isn’t perfect, but it’s mine, and it’s helped me create a life that feels both meaningful and true.
I truly believe that knowledge is power. The more we understand about ourselves, the better equipped we are to deal with everything that gets thrown our way. Had I not been diagnosed and struggled with the every-day challenges of motherhood in the same way, I would undoubtedly have beaten myself up a lot more. “Why is everyone else nailing motherhood, but I feel like I’m not?”. The mum-guilt and constant comparison that I know almost all of us deal with, would have been so much more intense. However, now that I know and understand myself more and more, I’m kinder to myself, I handle challenging situations better because I know how to accommodate my brain the way it is, I know I am doing my best and I am glad to be able to show my sons my best self (most of the time), and treat them with an even greater level of compassion.
If you’re a mum with ADHD or Autism, or if you know someone who might be, remember that we’re all navigating this path in our own unique ways. And that’s okay… It’s the little steps we take towards understanding and acceptance that truly matter. I’m continually enrolling in training to better understand my and my children’s Autism and ADHD better and in turn help my children regulate and become the best versions of them, helping them be more accepting and not full of self criticism which is how I felt as I grew up. Some days are just unbelievably hard but I tell myself tomorrow is a new day and this feeling shall pass and inevitably it does.
Between 50-70 per cent of people with Autism have been reported as having both conditions, making it more prevalent than ADHD and autism alone.
Having AuDHD can feel like living with two different brains, it can push and pull people in two different directions. “It’s silence versus noise; structure versus chaos; repetition versus novelty; caution versus risk-taking,” explains Dr Khurram Sadiq, a consultant psychiatrist at the Oxleas NHS Foundation Trust, who has AuDHD himself and has written a book, Explaining AuDHD, to be published in 2025.
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