Here I am, six years on since having my twin boys, thinking about life and my journey to motherhood. Not a lot of people know my journey from the beginning, but I thought I would share my story from where it all started.
Like many of us, mine started with that constant quest for the "perfect" life, the life portrayed in all media around me, and drummed into me from from a young age. It's as if I was conditioned to believe there was a pre-approved blueprint, and if I just followed it, everything would fall into place.
Relationship after relationship, the pressure mounted: When are you getting engaged? When are you getting married? When are you having kids?
It was truly exhausting! And it affected my mental health far more than I realised at the time.
Then, the inevitable crash. My own health had been sacrificed at the altar of trying to please others… Family, work, friends, trauma, relationships, and the pressure put on us by society. I was left emotionally depleted, searching for answers as to why I couldn't fall pregnant when I finally felt ready to become a mother.
The reality hit me like a ton of bricks, the list of obstacles listed out before me felt like huge iron gates keeping me from my dreams: Low egg count, and of those that remained, they were poor quality. I didn't have money to freeze my few precious eggs, and I had no partner. My dreams of motherhood felt like a cruel joke. It felt like I'd lost all control.
A few years later Rich came along.
I laid it all out on the table right away, something society has told us to never do was share your downfalls. I told him If you want kids, it might be a long haul. And thankfully he did want children, with me, no matter what it took. Facing my truth with him from the beginning didn’t drive him away, another thing society gets wrong.
We were married at 39, but time was not on my side. We did two torturous rounds of IVF which only ended in complete and utter heartbreak.
And then came the final blow - I have no eggs left. It was a punch to the gut. I was angry at my body for failing me. Distraught with grief, I had to process all of this with a grief counsellor, to learn to be kinder to myself.
Faced once again with difficult decisions: Egg donation, surrogacy, or adoption were my only options. Although, at this point I was grateful to even have options.
After long deliberation we decided on egg donation, and then took a transformative trip to Greece where my family still live. It was the kind of break we both desperately needed after such a tumultuous time. We had to find a clinic that worked for us and after touring 2 cities we finally found the one. After consultations, tests and a second trip back to Greece…
All of a sudden, there were two embryos…and they both took. I was in utter disbelief, It was twins!
Given how complex our case had been, we had a significant amount of care involved in my pregnancy, and I'll never forget how wonderful our clinic was, the level of care was incredible.
But the pregnancy? It was hugely stressful and, unsurprisingly, utterly filled with anxiety and pain. I was diagnosed with SPD part way through and struggled on crutches for my last trimester. After being hit with blow after blow of bad news or complications throughout our journey so far, I kept expecting bad news during the pregnancy. At 16 weeks, the scan revealed a complex cleft lip and palate diagnosis for one of the boys – which meant more surgeries ahead for me to worry about before they were even born. The first few years were a blur of fear, between surgeries and after years of built-up motherhood anxiety that I found incredibly hard to escape. In order to stay calm I managed to complete a fabulous course of CBT and was much calmer by the time they were delivered by planned C Section a few months later.
But, our beautiful boys were here, really here! And around the anxiety and medical issues, I embraced motherhood with every inch of my being.
Only then came the self-discovery. Watching my boys grow, seeing their difficulties , I started recognising my own. Why had things always felt so hard? Neither myself nor my boys had any neurodiversity diagnoses at this point, and perimenopause hadn’t even crossed my mind. But as time went on it all came into play while being a new mum, for us all.
The questions were endless and my mind and body didn’t feel like my own. I kept putting it down to the influx of hormones from having twins and was told everything would settle but it didn’t. Looking back I am still floored that, actually, perimenopause had started the year the babies were born. For once, time had been on my side, giving birth to the boys when we had. But, dealing with perimenopause in the early days of motherhood was no picnic. Throw in an Autism & ADHD diagnosis all within as many months and it’s practically a recipe for chaos.
Reading through this, it's like looking into a mirror reflecting back the landscapes of my life. I'm 44, married, and… Well, let's just say my journey has been a wild one. Navigating trauma, the rollercoaster of IVF, the miracle of egg donation leading to a complex twin pregnancy, and then, finally, the late-in-life revelations of ADHD, autism, and the delightful hormonal symphony of perimenopause whilst navigating SEN parenting. It’s a lot to unpack, isn't it?
And now, I'm still navigating the societal pressures of motherhood and parenting (more on that in the next blog!), the constant comparisons, the social media noise. My ADHD and autism overthink everything, lead to a deep-seated sense of not being good enough, the rejection sensitivity is real. I'm human, and I'm far from perfect, but I am learning to be kinder to myself. Which is where my Unwind the Mind story started to unfold.
If you’ve seen any of yourself in my story, I’d love to hear. We’re stronger together, and the more we share the less alone we all feel.