Family gatherings can be such a mixed bag, can’t they? A little bit joyful, a little bit overwhelming, tiring, full of pleasing others, keeping the peace or fighting those perfectionist tendencies?

As neurodivergent women, especially in midlife, with hormones shifting and masking fatigue catching up with us... these events can feel like a full-body sensory workout before we’ve even stepped out the door.

If you find the festive season hard, or if family gatherings drain you more than they delight you, please hear this: you’re not being awkward, antisocial or difficult.
Your nervous system is simply reacting to an environment full of noise, expectations, sensory unpredictability and emotional undercurrents. It makes complete sense that it feels intense.

Here’s how I gently navigate gatherings now, and how you can too.

There are so many reasons these events take more energy for us:

• Sensory overwhelm from noise, smells, lighting and movement. These can all be felt even more intensely during peri/ menopause than you ever used to experience
• Social dynamics that require decoding
• Masking exhaustion, especially around family
• Disrupted routines
• Decision fatigue
• Emotional labour of keeping everyone comfortable
• Old family roles and triggers resurfacing

When you see it all laid out like this, it becomes clear: it isn’t you. It’s the environment.

Many of us head into December carrying the weight of perfect Christmas expectations... the ideal meal, the perfectly decorated home, the children behaving impeccably, the joyful photos, the smiling faces and the perfect 🎁 gifts. 

But here’s the truth: You do not have to recreate the Christmases you see online.

You’re allowed to:

• Lower the bar
• Do the bare minimum
• Create new traditions that actually suit your energy
• Cancel the plans that feel like too much
• Say no to hosting
• Scrap the roast dinner entirely

It’s OK if Christmas Day is a slow-cooker meal, a PJ day, or pizza and a film.
You get to redefine what “special” looks like.

Preparation isn’t about creating a perfect experience for everyone else.
It’s about supporting yourself  and your families, so you can stay regulated and present in the moments that matter.

Healthy boundaries mean you’re protecting your own wellbeing, not disappointing others.

You’re allowed to:

• Decline extra tasks like hosting or cooking
• Set a time limit on your visit
• Bring your own food if textures are an issue
• Avoid conversations or topics that feel draining
• Leave early without giving a long explanation

You are an adult. You get to decide.

Here are some things that help me make gatherings more manageable:

• Sit on the outskirts rather than the centre
• Use noise-reducing earbuds like Loops during chaotic moments
• Step outside for air
• Drink water regularly
• Have a grounding scent on your wrist
• Stick close to someone who feels safe
• lower expectations of gift giving with a secret santa
• introduce some mindful Christmas fun whether that be a Christmas walk or time to build a puzzle or create and give your mind space to breathe

These aren’t “coping strategies”, they’re small acts of self care.

If you feel things rising:

• Slow your breath (in for 4, out for 6)
• Touch something grounding: a bracelet, fabric, a cold surface
• Tap a thumb and anchor yourself to a place of comfort
• Excuse yourself for a moment of quiet
• Step outside for movement
• Repeat: “I can take a break whenever I need to
  
• Take some 💧 water it’s a quick way to regulate
• Tar a fidget ring or necklace 

Overwhelm doesn't mean you're failing, it means you're feeling.

One of the most freeing things I’ve done in recent years is let go of the traditions that exhaust me.

You are allowed to create new ones that feel good for your family.

Some gentle alternatives:

• A buffet-style Christmas dinner
• A “snack board” instead of a full meal
• A slow afternoon walk instead of party games
• Movie marathons with cosy blankets
• A craft, puzzle or colouring table instead of noisy activities
• Opening presents whenever it suits you
• Don’t force hugs and kisses if it’s too much 
• Keeping decorations minimal and sensory-friendly

New traditions can be simple, quiet and deeply meaningful. You don’t have to fill your Christmas period with so many gatherings with little time to recuperate between. 

Special doesn’t have to mean busy.
Memorable doesn’t have to mean exhausting.

You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation, but if it feels safe, sharing your needs can ease pressure:

• “Loud environments are hard for me, I might step out for breaks.”
• “Short visits work best for us.”
• “We keep food simple at Christmas to reduce stress.”
• “If I disappear for five minutes, I’m just resetting.”

Honesty can be liberating, but it’s fully optional.

When it's over, prioritise decompressing:

• Cosy clothes
• Warm drink
• 10 minutes of silence
• Weighted blanket
• Comfort show
• A long, slow exhale
• Dark quiet room 

Your nervous system has worked hard. You deserve recovery time.

The festive season can be complicated, emotional and overstimulating for neurodivergent women.

You’re not imagining it.

You’re not doing it wrong.

You’re simply feeling it more deeply.

You deserve a Christmas that works for you, not one built on pressure, perfection or performance.

Here’s your permission slip to simplify, soften, and choose the traditions that actually nourish you.